Paper Gown (4:15)

 

 

The sun has been beating down on me all day, every day, for many years. That’s why I visit the dermatologist once a year, every year. Besides the sun, age seems to bring out more connect-the-dots games on my back, front, and head than you can imagine. Once, when I had nothing better to do, I took a magic marker to my chest and actually drew lines between various moles and eruptions that turned into a pretty darn good rendering of the 48 contiguous United States! All of these growths seem suspicious to me, but so far, not to Amanda, my dermatologist.

 

My annual appointment was last week. As I sat in the waiting room, another patient was checking in. I watched the interaction with the receptionist. When asked for his insurance card, he pulled out his wallet from his pants pocket, opened it, and flames shot out! Real flames, as in fire! He looked around to see if anyone had noticed, closed his wallet, and put it back in his pocket. My initial urge to shout, “Stop, Drop, and Roll,” was quelled by no one else being surprised.

 

A few minutes later, I was called back for my appointment. The nurse took me to the exam room, tossed a paper gown on the chair, and asked if I had any concerns today. “Yes, I do,” I said. “A guy in the lobby just opened his wallet, and flames shot out!” She laughed and said, “Oh, he’s a magician. He’s always doing stuff like that.” Then she walked out of the room and closed the door.

 

I looked at the paper gown sitting on the chair. The nurse had given me no instructions, and I couldn’t remember, from last year, whether to take everything off or leave my underpants on. I thought and thought about the situation. This was a huge decision. Going the wrong way could be life-changing. In hindsight, I should have played it safe. I didn’t. I decided total nudity was the way to go. I disrobed, hiding my boxers with little chickens on them under my shirt on the chair.

 

“Ok, now does this gown tie in the front or the back?” I wondered. Having it open in the front seemed a little forward. I got the gown on without a problem, but my attempt to tie it in the back was futile.

 

There I stood in the middle of the exam room, not knowing what my next move should be. I wanted to sit down. I thought it would look weird if Amanda came in and I stood there like a goof in my paper gown in the middle of the room. The options were few. I could sit on the chair or the exam table. Everybody who comes in sits on the chair. With the possibility of my butt popping through the gown onto the well-used chair, I opted for the exam table with the giant paper towel pulled from the roll to sit on.

 

Things worsened when I sat down while pulling my paper gown around me. I pulled the gown tight to keep my behind under wraps. Unfortunately, I pulled it a bit too tight, and as I sat, it began to split up the middle between my legs.

 

“Oh, my God!” I thought. “Not only am I naked, and I’m not sure I should be, but now I’ve created a sexy slit in my gown that ends just below my crotch!!” I scanned the room for some tape, a stapler, a needle and thread, anything to keep my slit from going any higher to expose the Johnson family. Just then, Amanda came through the door, “Hi, Steve! How’s everything on the farm?” “Better than it is here,” I said. “What’s going on?” she asked. “I didn’t know if I was supposed to leave my underpants on or take them off. You’re about to see that I took them off.” She didn’t seem phased at all. “Most people leave their underwear on, but you’re fine. Don’t worry about it. However, we may have to discuss the slit up the front. I don’t think these gowns ordinarily come with that option.” After my face returned to its everyday shade, we proceeded with the examination. I am happy to report that I received a clean bill of health.

 

I already have plans for next year’s visit. Because of my competitive nature, I will one-up the magician and set my underpants on fire. Mic drop, BOOM!